Drew and the Unstable Element (episode)

Drew and the Unstable Element was the 13th episode in Season 1 of The Drew Carey Show. Originally aired on January 3, 1996 on ABC-TV. This episode was directed by Brian K. Roberts and co-written by Jane Harnick and Aaron Harnick.

Synopsis

Drew feels he is being stalked by Earl, whom he has just fired from the store after discovering his past history of volatile behavior, and it results in the rest of the gang playing pranks on a jumpy Drew. Later, when Earl does show up at Drew's house, he is nabbed by Chuck, the store security guard.

Storyline

Drew and Kate are carpooling to work. Drew is driving and Kate is sitting in the front seat with Earl. Earl has on headphones and appears to be listening to music. Kate attempts to find something to eat in Drew’s lunch bag (a fruit rollup) and finds his sandwich wrapped in paper. Drew says that he wraps his sandwich in an inspirational article to read while he is eating. Kate reads out the title “How to Hypnotise Women” and Drew attempts to hypnotise her by saying “Kate you won’t tell anyone about this”. Then Earl leans over and starts to sniff Kate’s fruit roll. She complains and Drew tells her that these are the last 4 people that will ride in a carpool with him and not to blow it. She leans up against Drew and squeals as Earl keeps leaning in to smell her food. Every time Drew looks around, Earl has gone back to staring out the window. When Kate says that he is weird, Drew says that Earl is just rocking out to some tape. Earl keeps moving back and forth and playing air guitar. Kate reads out the tape title “James Earl Jones Reads Schindler’s List”.

An outside picture of Drew’s house shows it covered in snow. Jay runs into the kitchen holding a pool cue and tells Kate, Lewis & Oswald that it is 30 degrees below outside with a wind chill. He says that he was able to rack up the balls and break. Asked if he was able sink anything, he says that part of the 9 ball went in the side pocket and the rest of it just scattered around the yard. He gives the pool due to Oswald and tells him it’s his turn. When Oswald says he needs some gloves, Drew rushes in and gets some hot gloves out of the oven for him. Lewis is sitting by the open oven door, warming himself. Kate tells Jay that it’s cute the way he joins in all their little reindeer games. He says that on days like this, his real crazy friends sit around a fireplace and toast marshmallows. He asks them why they have to play pool on the coldest day of the year. Drew replies “I don’t know. Why do you celebrate New Year on the first day of the year? There’s not logic behind it, you just do it”. Oswald puts on the hot gloves (Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow metal snaps!) and goes outside for his turn, leaving the back door open. Drew goes to close it and says in a feminine voice “Close the door. Goodness gracious, we can’t afford to heat the whole outdoors” and slams the door shut. He then does a sissy walk over to the table and sits with Kate and Jay. Drew hope that it will still be cold tomorrow so he doesn’t have to go to work. He still hasn’t done his employee evaluations. Lewis remarks that Drew should be sensitive with those evaluation and not make fun of someone’s goofy haircut, as he self-consciously touches his hair. Kate says that she has some things to add to Earl’s evaluation as the way was acting in the car that morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Drew defends her by saying he is a bit of a loner, kind of quiet, always carries around a hat box. Kate says he creeps her out by staring at her all the time. When Drew tries to dismiss this, Kate pulls out a list documenting all the times she caught him staring at her at work. Drew points out that every time Kate is spying on him, he is staring at her. Lewis said they had a crazy guy at Drug Co who accidentally took a drug that turns you into a psychopathic murderer. It’s not on the market yet as apparently it gives you headaches. Drew agrees to speak to Earl and Kate informs him the Earl also thinks he is the store manager. Drew says that it is probably just an affirmation, saying things over and over until they come true, and that he learned that from his ham and cheese sandwich yesterday. Oswald finally comes back in and tells everyone that it must be really cold outside because when he scratched, there was a lot more room in his underwear.

The next day Drew goes into the store and talks to Mimi in the men’s department. She remarks that one of the mannequins has escaped from the Big & Useless department. When she asks Drew why he is there, he says, “I don’t know. Why do people slow down to look at a car wreck?”. Drew asks her who she is buying a tie for and she gives him a picture of Antonio Banderas that she had stashed in her bra. She tells him that they have written a few times and Drew suggests that she writes to him and he sends back a signed restraining order. She says that’s no different than that thing between him and Sara Lee. Drew said he only wrote to her once to suggest a cake you can eat in the shower. Earl comes in and asks Mimi if she has found anything yet. She suddenly gets a brain-wave (gummy bra) and takes off. Earl asks Drew, “What can I do for you?” and Drew tells him he is just doing his rounds and wanted to say Hi. Drew says he also wants to buy a tie and starts picking some up from the counter display. Earl starts freaking out about Drew moving the ties and ends up messing them all up when he loses his temper. As he starts to refold the ties, he notices that Kate is staring at him again and points this out to Drew. He says that she does this all day long and makes him feel like Charlton Heston in “that ape movie” (Planet of the Apes? No. Beneath the Planet of the Apes? That’s the one!). Drew says that funny because she thinks that Earl is the one staring at her and he thinks she is staring at him. When Drew casually touches Earl’s shoulder he flinches and freaks out. Drew apologies but Earl continues by saying “You wouldn’t like it if I started touching you” and puts his finger on Drew’s notice menacingly. Drew gets away and Earl takes out a handkerchief to wipe his hands. He tells Drew to tell Kate, and any other employees, that if they have a problem, they can mind their own business. He proceeds to breath on the finger he touched Drew with and continues cleaning it with the hanky. Drew tells him to calm down and that nobody’s hassling him. He tells him to keep up the good work and Earl thanks him for dropping by. He then says he has a department store to manage and leaves by walking backwards while maintaining eye contact. Drew says he should have known Earl was nuts by “those crazy glasses” (same as Drew’s).

In Drew’s loungeroom, Oswald is looking through a large book and informs Drew that the no touching-thing, the delusions of power-thing, are all text-book signs of a thing or at least something in the thing family. Kate says that must mean that Earl is crazy and Oswald concurs (he’s wicky the wacky woo). Drew wonders how he could have missed it as Earl passed the psychological profile with flying colours. Looking at the test, Drew says that the question asking if he had ever been institutionalised, he answered Never. Kate points out that it says “Over” not “Never'. On the back of the form he had listed all the places he had been in for the criminally insane. Lewis asks why they don’t just fire him, but Drew points out that legally he has to first offer to send Earl to the company shrink. Drew jokes that he heard she is really good and that he thinks she is Freudian as she has a beard and smokes a cigar. Oswald comes in and tells Drew he needs to get rid of Earl fast. Lewis suggest that Drew walk up to Earl, grab Mimi and use her as a human shield and tell Earl he is fired. Drew wants to find a better way so he doesn’t have to grab Mimi. He says he has fired people before and can do it again. He says he learned all about it at the Termination Seminar. He said you just have to be calm, speak in a confident voice, and never end a sentence with “Oh yeah bigshot, I dare ya!”.

At the store, Mimi walks up behind Drew sitting at his desk and pretends to sneeze on the back of his head by flicking water on it. Drew comments that she has just cleaned her blow hole. Mimi inform him that she has received some paperwork saying that Drew is planning to fire Earl. When he confirms this, Mimi says he can’t because she likes him. She says he looks at her like a lady and Drew says he’s looking at her like a trench coat and that he wants her skin. Mimi asks if he is really nuts and Drew nods. She walks off lamenting that “it’s always the cute ones”. Earl walks up and Mimi tells him she has to go but he is welcome to use any of the sharp objects on her desk. She runs off and Earl turns to Drew, asking why he wanted to see him. Drew says he wants to talk and invites Earl to come in and take a seat. Earl stalls by telling Drew he needs to fix his necktie and grabs it. He asks Drew to tell him what he wanted to say as he adjusts the tie menacingly with both hands as if he was preparing to strangle Drew. Drew gets nervous and tells Earl that they are phasing out the tie department. Drew quickly grabs the tie and takes it off (“Au revoir mon tie”). Earl asks what that means for his job and Drew tells him that there are lots of other positions out there. Drew tells him that his mother always said “God never closes a door without opening a window”. Earl says that his mother said [screaming] “Close that damn door or I will throw you out that window!”. This makes Drew nervous and he starts edging towards the phone. He tells Earl that they have a psychologist available and that he would like to call her. He accidently knocks the phone on the floor and get flustered putting it back on the desk. Earl leans over and hangs up, telling Drew that he’s not crazy and asks if that’s why he’s being fired. Drew says “Who’s to say your crazy…. Except the 9 or 10 doctors on the back of your application”. Earl gets angry and say that he can see what’s going on – he’s being fired at the end of the day and Drew’s trying to make him feel valuable (Drew interrupts and ticks that off his form while telling Earl he is very valuable to them). Earl asks when the security guard is going to turn up as they always have someone hiding nearby (as he looks around). Drew says he doesn’t and Earl says that means he could kill him right now and no-one would stop him. Drew freaks and says he’s behind the post and calls out for Chuck. Chuck the security guard comes in and tells her to come with him. He said they can collect his personal belongings and walk quietly to his car. Chuck suggests he try and make a break for it as it has been “kind of a slow day”. When Drew says goodbye, Earl reminds him that he has to go home sometime. Drew says go ahead because Earl doesn’t even know where he lives. Earl yells out Drew’s address as he is walking out.

At the Warsaw, Kate and Jay are talking about seeing each other exclusively. She threatens him by grabbing his ear until he agrees and then telling everyone in the bar. Drew, Lewis and Oswald arrive and they ask Drew if he is scared of Earl coming after him at his house. Drew says he is not scared, but Oswald wonders why Drew made him wear his coat and hat when he went into the house earlier. They all play jokes on Drew by saying Earl’s here and tapping him on the shoulder. He tells them to cut it out and keep their hands on the table. Lewis walks up, not knowing what they have been talking about, and taps Drew on the shoulder, causing him to jump. They tell Lewis that Drew fired Earl today and Lewis informs them that Earl is sitting at the bar. Drew doesn’t believe him, but Oswald checks and tells Drew it’s true. At the bar, Earl is wearing a hat and trench coat and turns around to look at them. Drew still doesn’t believe them and calls out “Earl, how many finger am I holding up” while holding his hand behind his head. As no-one is laughing, Drew starts to realise that it is true. Kate tells him to get out of there, but Drew decides to go and talk to Earl. As he approaches, Earls says no, there are too many people here and starts to back out, touching his nose at the same time.

At Drew’s, everyone is checking different parts of the house. Drew tells them they don’t have to stick around but they want to. Kate says it will be fun, like a slumber party. Or a slumber party massacre as Lewis describes it. Drew tells them they can stay one night as long as there is no psycho killer humour. Oswald makes scary noises and comes up behind Drew as someone appears at the door. When they knock, everyone jumps and screams. Drew said he ordered a pizza, but it turns out to be Chuck from work. Kate told him what was going on and asked him to stop by. Chuck comes in pretending to shoot Drew and informs him he’s dead as it was a stupid move opening the door. He brings in a bag full of equipment and informs Drew that he has already been inside the house because of the obvious place Drew hides the key. Drew says he doesn’t want to have to start worrying about his security, but Chuck tells him that 8 out of 10 stalking cases is a disgruntled ex-employee. The others are unrequited love, so he is safe there. Chuck then organises everyone with jobs to help make the house secure. Drew is not happy and tells Chuck to go. He also tells his friends to leave and assures them that he will be alright. After they have gone, he yells out the back door, telling Earl he is coming out with the trash and that he is all alone. He says he has a tiger-wolf hybrid and starts making dog noises. As he puts the trash by the bins, Earl comes into the yard and says he just wants to talk. He says he doesn’t want to lose his job and agrees to talk to the company shrink. He says he is not mad at Drew and knows that he was just doing his job. Drew tells him to wait there while he goes inside to get the shrink’s number. When he turns around, Earl takes out a gun, hiding it when Drew turns back to talk to him again. When Drew goes inside, Earl starts loading bullets into the gun and Chuck appears behind him. Chuck gets the pool cue and sticks it in Earl’s back telling him to drop the gun. Drew comes back out with the number and sees Chuck holding the gun at Earl. Chuck says that it he hadn’t come back to find his beeper, Earl would have shot him. Drew says “Really?” and Earl just says “Yeah”. Chuck tells Drew to call the cops. Before he does, Drew tells Earl to think about this and gives him a big bear hug from behind. Chuck tells Drew to stop as “he will get enough of that in prison”.

At work, Drew is at his desk as Mimi, dressed in a trench coat and hat, comes up behind him making menacing noises and holding a knife above her head. She makes screeching sounds as she pretends to repeatedly stab him in the back. He just turns around and says, “Good night Mimi”. She cheerfully says, “Good night. Have a good weekend” and leaves. After she has gone, Drew starts to read out (in a Spanish accent) a letter he has been writing to Mimi from Antonio Banderas.

Guest starring/Recurring Cast

• Robert Torti as Jay Clemens
• David Cross as Earl
• Kelly Perine as Chuck